The five rules of handling toddler shit.

As Mason has become a toddler many things have changed. One in particular is his poop. No more little cute poop, poop pellets, or runny poop. Now we have giant solid massive shit! The word "poop" is used when it has no odor and is tiny. Now it becomes SHIT! Sorry for the curse word but I think it identifies it more thoroughly.

I have made this list of rules to help any new father or novice on the subject. As I have changed at least 1000 diapers in the past 2 years I feel as though I am accredited in this field. I don't have a certificate or diploma in diaper changing yet but I am researching that as I write this.

Failure to adhere to these rules can and will result in personal injury and destruction of property.

1) Always be prepared

Just like the Boy Scout credo. You must have a new diaper in position and wipes opened before you start this procedure. I find it useful to separate the wipes beforehand or you will look like deranged magician pulling scarves from a hat.

2) Survey the contaminated area

Take a look at all exit points that shit could escape before removing the diaper. Do not rush through this step because some could be actually be on the inside of the toddler's pants. One false move here and you can have a new stripe on your shirt sleeve. believe me, skidmarks are not fashionable in any culture. I have made this mistake once. Once is all it takes. I thought he was taking a dump all day until I realized it was me. I no longer own that shirt by the way.

3) Handle full diaper with care

Just because you can't smell shit it does not mean shit is not present. I have jerked a diaper off of Mason way to quickly only to watch in horror as his feces were tossed into the air. Nothing will instill panic faster than watching poop fly across a room and wondering where it might land. The cleanup is quite appetizing. Try explaining that to your wife.

4) No eye contact

This is not a social engagement. This is a business deal. Eye contact will encourage smiling, laughing, or worst of all wiggling. (See rule 3 Skidmarks) All of these factors will increase changing time. Due to the horrible oder you need to be in and out as quick as possible. Speed and efficiency are your friends. Close the deal!

5) Never use full diaper as any type of ball

Any gesture to "hand-off" or "shoot" said diaper is ill advised. These things are barely able to contain the shit inside. Any external pressure and they will explode. Most of us are not professional athletes so nine times out of ten you are gonna miss that shot. When you miss a shot like that it is one messy rebound. (See rule 3-flying feces) I speak from experience and luckily my miss was on an outside garbage can. Cleaning shit up once is enough, don't make it hard on yourself.

To sum up poop is cute, shit really smells! Happy shoveling!